old year's new resolutions

hey, who hasn't ever shut down an icicle as a kid?! 

the memory of my first one just hit me - russian (rather soviet i'd say, at that time...) kindergarden, me with some boy, red old roof covered with snow and ice beginning to melt down, us with a long branch hitting on the icicles cause we wanted to test whether they still taste the same as ice cream... then one of them flew down and hit me on my eyebrow.

since then i have this little scar covered by the eyebrow hairs... but if you supposedly would shave them off - awful! interesting how'd it look though... - you would see it, white and clear, a memory of that childhood day when this boy came with me to the school med room to stay with me while i wasn't crying waiting for the disinfectant iodine to burn away...

i just recollected this memory cause outside of my kitchen window one of the icicles fell down when i crushed the window close. i was furious - at myself - cause i just smoked one, which i wasn't supposed to do, since its my fourth day of quitting and i was doing pretty good until this morning. i really don't know what's with these mornings lately - i get all the bad messages and news very early - supposedly so that they could REALLY spoil the day good. 

anyway, realizing my ex-best friend talking shit about me to my ex-boyfriend behind my back and trying to bond with him so to get closer to using his photo gear for free isn't exactly the thrill you want to wake up with. 

and since i couldn't - or, rather, didn't want to, cause we agreed on handling things different this time! - ring my husband and moan to make me feel better... a cigarette was a gentle reminder how else you could dissolve your emotional baggage for a while.

interesting thought here - why the first half of the cigarette always feels awesome and the next just shuts you down into depression?! does that really have something to do with your blood pressure? i'm a biologist, i should - in theory - know...

it's 6th of december, "Nikolaus-Tag" in germany. location: dresden-neustadt (which is - honestly! - not the same as the rest of the city, vibrant and with a feeling you actually live among other people...). time: morning. state: sick but with a strong NEW RESOLUTION for the rest of this old year. 

resume: strong will - keep it going ))