Samstag, 27. August 2011

nine to wait

seven years, they say. 

seven years is all it takes for everyone: to figure out what you are, to know who you want to be and to quit the bad habits.
seven years passed by the Prince & Princesses lovely home cave. 
the pet dragon got one dragon year older. which in fact is seven human years.
seven winters and seven summers passed by and left seven wrinkles on Prince & Princesses faces.
seven sorrows met their souls and seven happinesses touched their hearts.
seven big wishes each of them carried through these seven years.
but only six of them were fulfilled. and the Princess and the Prince both had The Only One and Dearest Wish sitting still in their hearts and not daring to come out.
and that was what made the seven great years seem so short and almost over... 

one evening, the Princess and the Prince were sitting on the porch in front of their cave. both of them were mortified - it was their anniversary the next day and nobody had a gift. both wanted to get 'something special' (oh, how i hate this phrase!), something that each of them knew was carried in the other one's heart. that dearest wish, that would make the seven years 'for better and for worse' - just perfect. the big wish, that... nobody of them knew what it was. damn.
so they both were sitting there and trying to make a clever conversation and ask the right questions and... there there! - lure the other one's wish out! 
how do you think, did it work? well, exactly as something never works out when we try to force it. each of them got the answer. to the wrong question. they went to bed, both happy that they'll have a perfect present tomorrow - not knowing how far far away they were from the truth...
the next day, Prince woke the Princess up with "i have a surprise for you!" (he was sooo glad he cleverly thought about it just the night before!) 
"i have a surprise for you too!" said the Princess self-satisfactory (oh, thank god, she thought about it just the night before!)
he gave her a super-expensive haute-couture-designer-mortar with diamonds on top (for her alchemist experiments) that just arrived by the royal princozon delivery service.
she gave him a hyper-comfortable customized lasso (for his dragons) with a golden monogram embroidery.
they both played happy.
they both thought their work was the dearest dearest wish they had left unfulfilled.
seven years were almost over.

meanwhile, the old wizard was watching this scenery through his magic crystal with a heavy heart and tears in his eyes and railed and swore curses. 
- and this is all what they understood from the last almost seven years! - he moaned. 
- and this is all what it was worth to fight for! - he whined. 
- and this is all why i gave up being a bad man and turned into an old darling wizard! - he exclaimed!.
no, that is enough, he thought. (you see, he was an old man - and old people tend to see the world left in a perfect happy shape when they leave it. that is why they always poke their noses into all businesses - just to 'quickly change everything that has gone wrong since the good old times'). and so he did his magic.

meanwhile, the Prince & Princesses cave was full of people who came to congratulate them on the anniversary. there was the Blue Dragon, their oldest friend, the Dashing Donkey, the Smiley Smurfette, the Gloomy Giant, the Honey Hedgehog and many others from many different stories (but these are to be told in another time...). the party was great and going, but our couple felt worse and worse. 
- the seven years, - they thought. - i don't feel good about it. it's almost over and we still do not know what we REALLY want!
dark clouds were about to gather above their heads again...

and then the old wizard's magic reached the cave.

the Prince looked at the Princess and said: 
- you know, don't you think this lasso you gave me is extremely ugly, actually?
- well, the mortar is disgusting and not particularly pretty either... - followed the Princess.
- i am sorry i never told you what i always wanted to get you. 
- i also kept my wish to myself, - said the Princess ashamed. - i thought great alchemists should not have such simple wishes.
- and i thought the dragon keepers should be too 'macho' to ask their Princesses about it.
the seventh year was just about to pass away forever. and so their seventh wish left their hearts and took its place in their eyes. for everyone to see.

- thank you, i already have your perfect present. - told the Princess, trying to hide her tears in order to not being remembered as a pathetic crybaby.
- ...? - the Prince said. (you see, any men actually always need a bit longer to see anything in any princesses eyes... no offends.)
- and i got 'something special' for you, too, you know. - she went on.
- but where is it, for god's sake?! - the Prince politely and patiently enquired. 
- oh you know. - she hesitated. (be kind with her, it was her big moment!) - you know, you will have it... soon. in nine months.

some of you will say - 'nice fairy-tale'. some will say - 'that's just corny'. 
well, those are the ones who never felt the seventh wish in their heart. 
a wish not for yourself. but for that something that you can very rarely see in the eyes of the dearest person just before the end of the 'seventh year' no matter how long this year was.
a wish that will make you know what you are and what you want to be.
and this, my friends, is not corny. that is just classy.


Montag, 13. Juni 2011

second thoughts

...and then the fun started.

for some reason all the fairy-tales always end with the happy couple getting together and married and living happily ever after.
i really don't understand why.
i mean, were they ever going to talk about what happened on the way back from the wedding?! what was the wedding night like?! (of course, that's not a kid's discussion, but still...) and last but not least - how the hell did the happy couple manage to be 'happily ever after' this all the long-long-ever-after time?!

so, i decided there was finally time someone would tell you the truth. 
so let's start where it REALLY is starting...

the Prince and the Princess finally got married. the wedding was outrageously beautiful - with flowers everywhere, with perfect music, perfect food and, of course, perfect weather. everyone was incredibly touched during the ceremony and had enormous fun afterwards, dancing. all in all, everything was perfect. or, at least, so it seemed from the outside...
no one knew though, that the Prince's parents made the Princess' life before the wedding to hell. why oh why, you wonder? 
well, this story is as old as the world is, so I am asking you - did you ever see that the husband's parents REALLY approve of the wife?! especially, if that's the youngest and the most wished son. especially if he is a true Prince to his bones, always listening what the parents say and following their advices all his life... and then, some cute Princess comes along and steals him from them and the young couple is doing everything possible the parents would never approve of?!
so, the Prince's parents thought they should take some steps immediately! 
first, they hired a wizard. well, of course, no one knew he was one. 'do whatever you must do, just don't let them marry!', they commanded. surely, they did not want to harm anyone. but, well, sometimes the harm done to the soul - although not seen from the outside - is the worst way to damage someone.
and the wizard did his job. the Princess and the Prince were fighting and sorrow covered the wedding preparations...
in the end the wedding still happened, because it was a royal couple - and royal weddings do not get cancelled just like that! and, in the end, it was all perfect on that day. even the Prince's parents seemed joyful and danced the royal waltz. but... the sad seed was planted in the Princess' soul, and it would grow and slowly spoil it.

a year after, the couple still was not happy. our Princess was quite independent and wished to pursue a career of an alchemist, since she was always interested why and how all things become what they are. she did not want to sit at home and be a housewife and just always look nice for the guests! 
the trouble was, this was just what the Prince thought, a royal family must be... and he always expected her to be thankful for ALL THAT HE DID for her to win her heart and her hand. 
with all these things, no wonder there was always tension and sorrow in the castle!
and then, one fine day, the Princess decided to leave. she went to the Prince and said 'you know, I do not want to be a Princess anymore... this life is not made for me! you can do whatever you want to please your parents - but I am not who they want me to be. I am a different person, and you don't even know me!' and then she left, god knows where...
the Prince was shocked. 
what should he do now? all his life was there - as he thought - to find a beautiful Princess, win her heart, get married and... well, live happily ever after. and now all went wrong! why?!
he started thinking. he discovered, he did not like to ride horses and fight dragons at all. as a matter of fact, he even found the dragons to be really fascinating animals! how did they produce this fire inside their body? how could they fly being so huge? he started to read tractates about them and soon was totally swallowed by this new interest...
seeing that, his parents became very worried. surely, they were happy when the Princess left the castle - finally, they thought, the Prince would see that she was not worth it and realize they were always right about her! but, instead, such a shame, he was becoming a veterinary! what to do?! they went to the wizard again and begged him to do something. but, you see, the wizard already grew old and happy, and did not want to do very much harm anymore. so, he went to the Prince and just told him that his parents are dissatisfied with him, and he also told him why...
wow, thought the Prince. and these are my parents! noway, he thought then. noway I am going to listen to that anymore! he tried to speak to his parents and explain them how clever dragons are and that he does not blame the Princess and...
but the parents did not listen. and then he said 'well then! I do not want to be a Prince anymore! this life is not made for me! you can do whatever you want - but I am not who you want me to be. I am a different person, and you don't even know me!' 
and then he realized that these were the exact same words that his Princess told him while leaving...
and he realized, that he REALLY did not know who she was. the same as she did not know who he was. and, actually, he decided, it would be quite interesting to find it out!
he left the castle and travelled long long days and weeks and months.
and they he found her in a nicely decorated cave where she was performing her alchemist experiments...
and at first she did not even recognize him, he changed so much...
and they talked long long days and weeks and months.
and it was all so new and different and interesting.
and then she turned his wooden shoes into gold.
and then he showed her his pet dragon flying in the night sky and they kissed, standing on a hill.
and then they went to the old and happy wizard and asked him to get them married FOR REAL this time.
and then, well, sorry but... they really lived long and happily, ever after...

so now. as girls, we always wish to be princesses and marry a prince on a white horse.
but I don't want to be a princess anymore.
I just want to be The Princess for someone. someone, who does not want to be a prince. but The Prince, for me. even with a pet dragon...

Montag, 25. April 2011

once upon a time

...once a upon a time, there lived a Princess in a lovely castle that was set on a lovely green hill surrounded by lakes and forests and stuff...
the Princess was pretty and cheerful and could have as many ice-cream as she wanted but never grow fat... 
and she had kind and loving parents, who ruled their kingdom peacefully but rightfully, even without extra taxes, which was why they never really got rich, but then they just made it up for their daughter that money isn't what really makes you happy...
and she had a siamese kitten, who was her one true friend and, additionally (to keep the prestige of the royal family), a pet chinchilla with long ears, the really fashionable one...
she had a walk-in wardrobe full of mirrors, a whole huge room just for the shoes and a crew of make-up artists, stylists, hairdressers, personal trainers and catwalk professionals guarding her every step to ensure she always looks super-glammy-over-the-top-fabulously fashy and has shiny hair and a BMI under 21...

all in all, one can say - the Princess was a great catch for everyone, especially for knights on white horses cause the current color of her hair - diamond-chestnut with sunburn and brown-eggshell streaks - would have matched perfectly with the horse's shiny white and the knight's armor...

well, so here the Prince came.
he rescued our Princess from a dragon, whom she accidentally run into on her way back from a girlfriend's slumber party, found her missing shoe (that obviously still fitted), fought the kingdom's competitive army to cheer up the Princess' parents, found the missing treasure on the other side of the world, including a huge solitaire as a wedding gift, proved his true love for the Princess by first domesticating all the dragons in the neighborhood, then removing all the potential witches to far-far-away, then sustaining the flirting charms of other pretty looking princesses to-be, aka Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty etc etc, subsequently, he completed the check-in procedure for the upcoming princes, including some general tests on higher maths, theoretical nuclear physics and a waltz performance and then (totally exhausted!) calmly waited for the Princess to accept his marriage offer and finally have a nice long bubble bath...

well, what else could she do, right?!.. after all, the Prince was handsome, did sooo many nice and useful things for her (well, not especially for her, but... whatever...) and, let's face it - she was a Princess and the white-horsed knight was her fate anyway! 

and so she said 'yes', ordered a Parisian wedding gown and the entire Victoria's secret bridal lingerie collection, they had a huge wedding that costed the king and queen a fortune, went for Honeymoon on the beach, came back tanned, moved into a brand new castle with a roof-top terrace overlooking the kingdom and were very eager to start a life according to 'happily-ever-after'.
well, what else could they do, right?!

and then the fun started.

to be continued...

Freitag, 8. April 2011

real reasons

when something happens to us, we generally notice the bad things more don't we?
outside my window the spring is happening, while I'll be staying home the second week around, sick. 
I missed the time when the flower buds are just coming out of the soft, fat earth. I missed the trees getting the green haze made of emerging leaves around the 
branches. I am missing them blooming and throwing the flower petals down the street, where they are carried away by the warm new wind.
am I sad?
I was angry, yes. especially when someone said to me 'well, everything happens for a reason - if you had to be sick so heavily, there was some reason in that, maybe your body was just asking for a rest'. 
I hate sentences like that. what sense could there be in being incapable of anything, while the time is hot in the lab, the experiments just going to boost? while everyone is reporting on BBQs, cycling, hiking, whatever...

and yet, looking at the picture that, after two years, I finally finished drawing in the time I was recovering, I am starting to think about the reasons.

why do bad things happen to us? I guess, this question is as old as the world, especially since mankind started to believe in a good god.
why do we fall for bad people?
what good or at least sensible can come out of being deceived by your best friend?
what sense does it make when your great love suddenly dies?
do you ever get these events in your life evened up with the good stuff?

I guess, I cannot answer that until I've lived until the end.
I just hope, that at least this is true: everything is a part of a grand plot. and our being is a part of it, as well. 
as the world is not happening around us, but inside of us.
and I hope to experience that sometime - like a drop of water, falling into the sea, realizes that it has always just been a part of it.

Samstag, 19. Februar 2011

emphasis of emptiness

there is a precious rule in Japanese cuisine: one should always leave some space on the plate. one should never make a bowl completely full. the tea should only fill eighty percent of the little cup...
emptiness is a very important attribute and should always be present. why? - one considers that only the empty space can give harmony to a subject...

and is that not true?
'if there were no clouds - we couldn't enjoy the sky'. they give the necessary background to the beauty of the sunlight.
so, is not the piece of emptiness - on the plate, in the cup, in our heart - the necessary background for a feeling of richness, taste... love..?

i ask myself - could i ever feel that fully if i had never experienced emptiness? 
when we were children - did we ever realize we were infinitely happy at that time? why is it only later in life that we long for that feeling of cloudless happiness - is it because finally we experienced the clouds and can value the true meaning of the deep blue sky?

i am looking onto my life and see a lot of emptiness that made me sad, brought me sorrow and left a feeling of hollow loneliness. but then i think - maybe, instead, i should feel thankful for the space it left. 
because only then the diamonds of happy moments, of unforgettable times, of wonderful people in my life can have a velvet background to lie and shine on.

and my cup finally seems not almost empty, but almost full.
well, of course, just to the right level...

Samstag, 8. Januar 2011

versant versatility

I am at the window. holding my little cat back - we are both enjoying the night air, it smells like spring, but she is enjoying it much more lively than me. for her, a housecat - this world just starts to exist, it is new, it has so many smells!

I wonder, how does she see it, our world? for sure, different from me. maybe, the same way as I see this world different from you - and you see it different from them... we live a reality which Einstein cursed to relativity - and it has not changed since then.
each word has thousands of meanings even in one language, what to say about views? decisions? thoughts?
how can you be sure that your opponent will understand you exactly as you meant it? it happens very very rare...
most of the discussions, fights, break-ups, wars are caused only by misunderstanding each other.
I am not an exception. and, perhaps, if I was wiser, better, less egoistic and less impulsive - I could have avoided so many disasters in my life... 
but I am not. I am just as you are - not better not worse, lost in each and every meaning, trying to understand what's real and what's false, trying to make understand my truth, which - in the end - might be only true for me...

well, I am looking at the roof out of the window - how the fat transparent icicles break down and slide and fall onto the street. like my past, that is breaking off - just be careful that it does not pinch you on the head!
I am not proud of many things... but today I finally found an icicle-proof umbrella for my past, an answer to the most common, most desperate and therefore most boring question 'what to do?'

who are we to judge? how can I judge anything - everything has a right to exist. just as me. the only catastrophes start when this right is being taken away from someone...

I am not proud of many things... but I found a way to make it up. not to my past but to myself.
because the endless versatility of this world makes me - good and bad, devotional and egoistic, timid and arrogant, serene and impatient, cruel and forgiving. and nothing has changed - and I haven't changed. it is just very hard to admit and stand up to both sides of you - not only the one you want to see. and then you can start changing. if you can see it now, you will not be afraid of being everything.

and it makes me feel happy.

Donnerstag, 6. Januar 2011

all I want for Christmas...

first of all - thank you, guys.
for your appreciation of my photography and my writing, and for those non-facebook comments - which I actually value the most. 
I don't really think much about the showing-off status bars etc. I also do not really fancy wall-to-wall artificial posts. those of you who know me best, know how much I actually hate the 'new-style' emoticons - nothing goes deeper to the heart than a good old-fashioned smiley )) right? so - special thanks and my admiration to those who avoid the facebook-exhibitionism and stay non-virtually human.

it's russian Christmas today... and I feel oddly connected with my home country - although it is for that country that Christmas was not allowed to be celebrated for more than 70 years and we almost lost all our roots... I don't know any single old-russian Christmas tradition, I don't have even a memory of those - how could I, me, who was even baptized secretly, in a russian 'banya' of the priest, at night. we never had Christmas. but somehow - not on the 24th of December, but on the 6th of January - it is here now, in my heart.

It's Christmas Eve and I should probably make a wish - the One, the True and Most Wistful wish I have. oh how easy it sounds - and how difficult to choose! the funny thing is - the older you are, the harder it gets to choose your only wish, remember how simple it was as a child? 'A doll!' 'A tractor!' well, in this age it probably will be 'A mobile!' 'An iPad!'...
and yet, I have a line in my mind speaking from my heart, that goes:
"all I want for Christmas is... the New Year's Day."

is it because I was always very impatient? or is it because I am so tired of 2010 and its surprises wrenching my soul and my heart?
or is it because I am curious? so curious as I was and always will be - as a girl, of course, and, of course, as a scientist! - to see what's so new about this New Year??
just because everything is always moving before me, like that Louvre here. eternal and modern. wise and silly. still and - at the same time - faster than the camera's eye.

they say, you get older when you get cautious. they say, you get wiser when you get older.
I say - you wish!! well, it's true. at least, I do. 
to get cautious, to get wiser and yet - to stay young. to be able to reach for the stars... being wise enough to thank the Earth we're staying on.

because the thing is: sometimes the One and Only wish we reach for in the sky - is actually just a step away... holding us by the hand... and the true wisdom is, when you finally grasp that.
I wish us all that moment before it could be too late.

or shall I just say - Happy New Year!