Sonntag, 26. Juli 2015

the science of being naked

blue soapy water swirls around my naked ankles and i get goosebumps all the way up my legs. 
we all have these days. days of hot baths, of many glasses of wine, of chocolate ice-cream, of cigarettes. or all of these together.
and then we usually get asked: 'well, what happened?' 
everyone knows that bad things hurt. well actually, good things hurt just the same. 

so many good and encouraging things happened to me in the last few weeks... but here i am, in my bath. 
wtf? i ask myself.

my son recently asked me: 
- mama, what is a wonder? 
and i thought and i answered: 
- a wonder is something very big and great that we would never expect. 
it is all very wonder-full what happens to me. and exactly because of that, it settles on my skin like a weight of lead. and my shell cracks.
but you know how it is with seafood? it's delicious inside!
so it's time to shed my shell.

in my life, i had many of them. there is something about the scientist's life - it is our constant travelling. we move between places, we move between friends and we move ourselves. it is our cross to bear - the boredom we all feel when we stay at one place too long... 
we are nomads of the mind. first we get to new places, then we get to be another person. we all pretend at first. and when we pretend long enough, we change for real - the new shell is born. we shed the past. it is so addictive, and we get used to it so much that we can never keep still anymore. 
i, as well, changed many of them, many skins and carcasses. and i still kind of love them - not because they have always protected my naked self, but because they let me grow inside in peace.
but you know what? i had so many, i fear i don't even know what's inside anymore.
and now, with skies and rainbows and new things crushing above, i realise there is time to get rid of everything.

you know how it is with leather? it gets rained and snowed on until it gets tough. but by that it also gets softer.
when you reveal yourself to someone, you might get anything. rain or sunshine, smile or shitstorm. you never know. but that's how you get the tan!
and i've always tanned pretty fast..

so, i lie here in my bath and i see my naked skin and i feel my naked heart. 
i know i will protect it with all my teeth and i know it will hurt. i am not bulletproof and i have a lot to lose. 
sure, if you don't dare, you don't suffer. but if you don't suffer, you don't change. and if you don't change - you don't live. 
it really is that simple.

i love my safe and beautiful shell. 
but right now, i would like nothing more than to get naked.

There is a cracking in my shell
with naked flesh inside.
I put my ego on the shelf,
I tossed my thoughts aside.

I tried so hard to love myself,
but it just doesn’t work.
I put my ego on the shelf,
I throw it into dirt.

For many years I’m fighting them -
my demons with their horns.
My thoughts are constant traffic jam,
but no concern of yours.

And in the middle of this mess,
when wine is not enough -
I see my unfamiliar face,
I see it from above.

I feel your words, sharp like a knife,
they cut and my heart drains.
I kiss my ego back to life,
I feel it in my veins.

I rub my eyes, I stretch my bones,
I look inside - and then
I see my demons with their horns.
And I am one of them.