to have and have not

confronted with an infinite desire to smoke and - careless! an awful, careless oversight! - having a fresh pack just over here in the kitchen... drawing circles around it... concentrating on the chewing gum... 
i am asking myself - what the hell is it all about?
it cannot simply be the craving of my body to have nicotine in the system - since it is nowadays a widely known fact, that the addiction of the body is gone after 3 days... 
well. i guess it is true - it is simply all just about the habit. 


the mankind is constantly fighting against 'bad' feelings - anger, jealousy, envy, ignorance etc etc... fully ignoring the most powerful emotion which is ruling our each step and does never let it go. the habit. 
well, don't you agree? what is the most frightening thing for everyone? something one is unfamiliar with, something yet unknown, something which has never been experienced before. whereas things we have been experiencing all along - become normal. even if they were quite inconvenient and irrational at the beginning - once we get used to them, we do not notice the abnormalities anymore... and that is with every category in life, isn't it? here just the example of smoking... 
but what about jobs? enthusiasm in the beginning, routine in the end... however - familiar routine, something we won't be willing or even afraid to change.
and what is with our eating habits? our apartments? cities? home countries? 
and... relationships?... 


if you had something... someone. and lost it, and with it - all the things that went along with this relationship, with this person, with this way of life... you're facing new land again, and haven't got a slightest clue about it! and the old doors are closed, you cannot enter anymore, although they're just there - come and get it, like the pack of my cigarettes in the kitchen drawer. 
but if you can't get it - you need to find a substitute, another style of life, different habits, another person... which is difficult, because you know how to handle the old habit, but it's hard to imagine something absolutely new! it's tough for everyone... so... isn't that what it is all about in a break-up? 
and then, to give up a habit - what's the best strategy to go? to shut down step by step? well, of course not. don't you remember? you slam the doors, you throw out the cigarettes, you delete the phone number, you rip old pictures apart...
unhealthy? of course... human? most certainly.


so, in the end, how do you know for sure whether you really gave up the old habit and are free from your addiction? 
i'll say, it's when you smell the smoke - and don't want to follow the direction it's coming from. when you hear the familiar name (even if that's not the same person at all...) and don't shiver anymore. 
when you see an old picture - and you smile. instead of crying. and can enjoy the things for what they are - not because you are used to them, but because you want to.


location: Dresden-Neustadt. time: quite late, thank god! (the forth day without)
and not so cold anymore...