Samstag, 8. Januar 2011

versant versatility

I am at the window. holding my little cat back - we are both enjoying the night air, it smells like spring, but she is enjoying it much more lively than me. for her, a housecat - this world just starts to exist, it is new, it has so many smells!

I wonder, how does she see it, our world? for sure, different from me. maybe, the same way as I see this world different from you - and you see it different from them... we live a reality which Einstein cursed to relativity - and it has not changed since then.
each word has thousands of meanings even in one language, what to say about views? decisions? thoughts?
how can you be sure that your opponent will understand you exactly as you meant it? it happens very very rare...
most of the discussions, fights, break-ups, wars are caused only by misunderstanding each other.
I am not an exception. and, perhaps, if I was wiser, better, less egoistic and less impulsive - I could have avoided so many disasters in my life... 
but I am not. I am just as you are - not better not worse, lost in each and every meaning, trying to understand what's real and what's false, trying to make understand my truth, which - in the end - might be only true for me...

well, I am looking at the roof out of the window - how the fat transparent icicles break down and slide and fall onto the street. like my past, that is breaking off - just be careful that it does not pinch you on the head!
I am not proud of many things... but today I finally found an icicle-proof umbrella for my past, an answer to the most common, most desperate and therefore most boring question 'what to do?'

who are we to judge? how can I judge anything - everything has a right to exist. just as me. the only catastrophes start when this right is being taken away from someone...

I am not proud of many things... but I found a way to make it up. not to my past but to myself.
because the endless versatility of this world makes me - good and bad, devotional and egoistic, timid and arrogant, serene and impatient, cruel and forgiving. and nothing has changed - and I haven't changed. it is just very hard to admit and stand up to both sides of you - not only the one you want to see. and then you can start changing. if you can see it now, you will not be afraid of being everything.

and it makes me feel happy.

Donnerstag, 6. Januar 2011

all I want for Christmas...

first of all - thank you, guys.
for your appreciation of my photography and my writing, and for those non-facebook comments - which I actually value the most. 
I don't really think much about the showing-off status bars etc. I also do not really fancy wall-to-wall artificial posts. those of you who know me best, know how much I actually hate the 'new-style' emoticons - nothing goes deeper to the heart than a good old-fashioned smiley )) right? so - special thanks and my admiration to those who avoid the facebook-exhibitionism and stay non-virtually human.

it's russian Christmas today... and I feel oddly connected with my home country - although it is for that country that Christmas was not allowed to be celebrated for more than 70 years and we almost lost all our roots... I don't know any single old-russian Christmas tradition, I don't have even a memory of those - how could I, me, who was even baptized secretly, in a russian 'banya' of the priest, at night. we never had Christmas. but somehow - not on the 24th of December, but on the 6th of January - it is here now, in my heart.

It's Christmas Eve and I should probably make a wish - the One, the True and Most Wistful wish I have. oh how easy it sounds - and how difficult to choose! the funny thing is - the older you are, the harder it gets to choose your only wish, remember how simple it was as a child? 'A doll!' 'A tractor!' well, in this age it probably will be 'A mobile!' 'An iPad!'...
and yet, I have a line in my mind speaking from my heart, that goes:
"all I want for Christmas is... the New Year's Day."

is it because I was always very impatient? or is it because I am so tired of 2010 and its surprises wrenching my soul and my heart?
or is it because I am curious? so curious as I was and always will be - as a girl, of course, and, of course, as a scientist! - to see what's so new about this New Year??
just because everything is always moving before me, like that Louvre here. eternal and modern. wise and silly. still and - at the same time - faster than the camera's eye.

they say, you get older when you get cautious. they say, you get wiser when you get older.
I say - you wish!! well, it's true. at least, I do. 
to get cautious, to get wiser and yet - to stay young. to be able to reach for the stars... being wise enough to thank the Earth we're staying on.

because the thing is: sometimes the One and Only wish we reach for in the sky - is actually just a step away... holding us by the hand... and the true wisdom is, when you finally grasp that.
I wish us all that moment before it could be too late.

or shall I just say - Happy New Year!