coin-cidence

it flashes bright brown gold when it shimmers towards the sun, then it turns around and shows its earthy dark side - once it falls into the fountain, it will reflect the air and the waves and current around it and become indigo blue, then steely grey. it reflects the flower petals falling from the blushing apple trees at the road as they are seized by the wind and fly above the church towers and the colleges.
i flip the next 10 pence coin in my hand and throw it into the water.

and just as it is, i look up and see the same reflections and flashes in the eyes dashing in a hurry towards me, then past, then they are gone - bright brown, shimmering grey, dark blue, steely green… 
eyes of busy people running to work, some of them being dreamy or thoughtful, some of them already angry, some of them enjoying themselves and checking their reflection in the shop windows. 
this is my way to the university, i have music in my ears - but my eyes wander around, just as the ones are that come across my path. some linger on my face for a while, others dash away.
i wonder which side of a coin they see in my eyes. 
les passants. 
passers-by. this word is hardly used in the English language - it is highly used in French, though. is it because of the parisian cafes that have become a cliché many decades ago? places to sit and look into other peoples' eyes, into the street, into nothing, into yourself. you can hardly find such places here. 
but you can find such people. 
people who look straight into my eyes and see my soul without even realising. people with blue eyes. or brown. or grey.

i wonder which side of my personality i ever show in my eyes. this is the beauty of coming to someplace new - you get to be someone else all over again. you can re-invent your life by leaving out some details and emphasising the others. you can determine your wishes anew. you can even change your way of talking. 
it is as if you have a first date or make a new friend. you try to be someone you always wanted to be, and the other person does the same. eventually, you get closer and you realise some things that were hidden, but that actually account for the individual personality and make out the nuances and shades of a character. little flaws, hated by yourself, but liked (or at least unperceived) by the other person. however, you are already friends, so no point in hiding. you are being taken in as you are. 
in a fortunate case.

but being someplace new really does open up your mind - also to yourself. 
and as i see my coin flipping, i wonder which side of me it is going to be. maybe, instead of inventing someone new, someone better, someone i thought i wanted to be - now i just GET TO BE ME. 
it is impressive and gets more difficult the older we get, to be someone and somewhere you actually want to be. sometimes you just have to dare to do it.

i look into the blue eyes. the brown. and the grey. and as i drown my reflection in the fountain my eyes shimmer. 
they shimmer with a new light.

passion progressive.

so you are there, alone with your phantasy. you finally made it - be it your wistful place, your dream result, a person you've been obsessed with. you are there. this is where the fairy tales usually end - the happily ever after.
well, i've always been interested what happens to the Phantasy after.

don't you remember and absolutely LOVE this butterfly feeling of falling in love? the brief intensive looks, the giggly stomach, the electricity of every so brief touch… isn't that just the Unknown that calls and excites us? every relationship begins this way, every friendship, every secret love. only very rarely it persists. usually it disappears, leaving only a faint scent of the exquisite memory of the butterflies. and because of that memory relationships still last, because of this secret affairs begin - in a hope and a longing to bring back the thrill after every certain stolen look…
whether it was true or not, real feeling or just a phantasy.
but i sometimes ask myself, what is more real?

i remember those days and a little girl, the only child, a reading individualist, strolling through the empty streets of a sleepy summer village and imagining things. this girl had a whole world happening in her head, there lived no princes but dragons, there were strawberry castles with balconies made of candied honey, there were robber's daughters and wizards and doors to other strange worlds that opened right there at the end of those sleepy summer streets. 
and i was living there, i spent my childhood in these worlds - every strange voice and sound meant they were real. 
every weird strangers i met there gave me meaningful looks that i still remember. all dialogues are still in my memory. unlike some of those i had with real people. so where is the border to the Phantasy?

it is a dreamer's happiness and his curse. and yes, call me a nerd but i can live in my phantasy and that is why it is real for me. 
i once knew a person who told me something i first hated because he turned out to be an asshole. he said science is a great playground for him. and i realised it is true in some way. they always say we scientists need to stay childish in order to be able to ask Questions. all kinds of questions!
but it's not only that. we need to be able to play, to have an idea, a passion and a phantasy we can escape into - and then it can become real. it might not, and it is mostly a failure. but sometimes… sometimes you sit at the microscope and see it right there, staring you in your face - your idea. 
it is real. 
and your stomach giggles. 
just as it does when this person looks at you in a certain way. 
your faces get nearer. 
you kiss.
end of story. butterflies go away. but the memory stays. so the trouble of staying in science is to remember those moments that get you drunk and high with being right and having seen it with your own eyes. those moments are rare, they might be only a couple in a lifetime. 


but, after all, how many real good kisses do you remember?

fiercely filtered.

when you change your life, you feel younger. 

now, do you?

they were taking my picture for my University of Cambridge card and when i looked at it, the only thing i thought was:

- jesus, i look like a freshman!

and i really did. cute, but scared. unconfident, but naively open and expectant. what is there to expect?

loss of old habits? sure. quitting smoking since two weeks now (though i dare say that John Green's "looking for alaska" gives not much help there).

gain of new challenges? well, i'm loaded. bring it on. disappointed face. memories of school mocking and phd disasters coming right up.

youth associates with them like milk with coffee. or gin and tonic, for that matter.

so what about, let's say, feeling younger but armed? getting rid of old youth fears? cause, you know, you got wiser and stuff. you have failure experience. you start to recognise The Pattern - after sun come the clouds, after happiness comes depression. and after tears comes a smile. always. aren't these the goodies in your bag that gets heavier every year of your life?

well, turns out that changes really do make you younger. without the goodies. i feel a long-forgotten euphoria of a fresh start, a thrill of a new place and unknown streets and names and faces, that will colour my future brilliant. or disastrous. roller coaster without a life safety net, every day.

except that i am now in possession of A Filter. i'll explain.

see, i am not smoking but i take three double espressos every morning. 

i am nice and friendly in my new lab and my cheeks hurt form smiling but i ignore the signs of missing empathy if i am not asked along. 

i come to social events but i do not panic if i am having lunch by myself.

i work when i can but i do not feel guilty if i can't keep up to the schedule and have to go pick up my kid.

i smile when i managed but i still cry like a two-year old when i did not.

i filter.

our fears do not really go anywhere. they are still there, good old friends - there is the one about being an albino among the normal black crows, there is the one of saying no, there is the fear of losing it, of not being smart enough, tough enough, funny enough, cute enough. i could go on. it is just that our age evolves new habits to cope, be it the caffeine or triple chocolate brownie, it is all the same. we quit the smoking but keep the alcohol. we stay partly scared. 

we feel above the threshold of our evolved humiliation, through the sieve that is our age. it passes on some habits and some fears but leaves behind the debris we are done with, and it gets thicker every day until we are no more scared - or we are no more.

so, bring it on, i say. new life. same old, but this time - above the threshold of my fearless self.

nine to wait

seven years, they say. 

seven years is all it takes for everyone: to figure out what you are, to know who you want to be and to quit the bad habits.

well...

seven years passed by the Prince & Princesses lovely home cave. 

the pet dragon got one dragon year older. which in fact is seven human years.

seven winters and seven summers passed by and left seven wrinkles on Prince & Princesses faces.

seven sorrows met their souls and seven happinesses touched their hearts.

seven big wishes each of them carried through these seven years.

but only six of them were fulfilled. and the Princess and the Prince both had The Only One and Dearest Wish sitting still in their hearts and not daring to come out.

and that was what made the seven great years seem so short and almost over... 

one evening, the Princess and the Prince were sitting on the porch in front of their cave. both of them were mortified - it was their anniversary the next day and nobody had a gift. both wanted to get 'something special' (oh, how i hate this phrase!), something that each of them knew was carried in the other one's heart. that dearest wish, that would make the seven years 'for better and for worse' - just perfect. the big wish, that... nobody of them knew what it was. damn.

so they both were sitting there and trying to make a clever conversation and ask the right questions and... there there! - lure the other one's wish out! 

how do you think, did it work? well, exactly as something never works out when we try to force it. each of them got the answer. to the wrong question. they went to bed, both happy that they'll have a perfect present tomorrow - not knowing how far far away they were from the truth...

the next day, Prince woke the Princess up with "i have a surprise for you!" (he was sooo glad he cleverly thought about it just the night before!) 

"i have a surprise for you too!" said the Princess self-satisfactory (oh, thank god, she thought about it just the night before!)

he gave her a super-expensive haute-couture-designer-mortar with diamonds on top (for her alchemist experiments) that just arrived by the royal princozon delivery service.

she gave him a hyper-comfortable customized lasso (for his dragons) with a golden monogram embroidery.

they both played happy.

they both thought their work was the dearest dearest wish they had left unfulfilled.

seven years were almost over.

meanwhile, the old wizard was watching this scenery through his magic crystal with a heavy heart and tears in his eyes and railed and swore curses. 

- and this is all what they understood from the last almost seven years! - he moaned. 

- and this is all what it was worth to fight for! - he whined. 

- and this is all why i gave up being a bad man and turned into an old darling wizard! - he exclaimed!.

no, that is enough, he thought. (you see, he was an old man - and old people tend to see the world left in a perfect happy shape when they leave it. that is why they always poke their noses into all businesses - just to 'quickly change everything that has gone wrong since the good old times'). and so he did his magic.

meanwhile, the Prince & Princesses cave was full of people who came to congratulate them on the anniversary. there was the Blue Dragon, their oldest friend, the Dashing Donkey, the Smiley Smurfette, the Gloomy Giant, the Honey Hedgehog and many others from many different stories (but these are to be told in another time...). the party was great and going, but our couple felt worse and worse. 

- the seven years, - they thought. - i don't feel good about it. it's almost over and we still do not know what we REALLY want!

dark clouds were about to gather above their heads again...

and then the old wizard's magic reached the cave.

the Prince looked at the Princess and said: 

- you know, don't you think this lasso you gave me is extremely ugly, actually?

- well, the mortar is disgusting and not particularly pretty either... - followed the Princess.

- i am sorry i never told you what i always wanted to get you. 

- i also kept my wish to myself, - said the Princess ashamed. - i thought great alchemists should not have such simple wishes.

- and i thought the dragon keepers should be too 'macho' to ask their Princesses about it.

the seventh year was just about to pass away forever. and so their seventh wish left their hearts and took its place in their eyes. for everyone to see.

- thank you, i already have your perfect present. - told the Princess, trying to hide her tears in order to not being remembered as a pathetic crybaby.

- ...? - the Prince said. (you see, any men actually always need a bit longer to see anything in any princesses eyes... no offends.)

- and i got 'something special' for you, too, you know. - she went on.

- but where is it, for god's sake?! - the Prince politely and patiently enquired. 

- oh you know. - she hesitated. (be kind with her, it was her big moment!) - you know, you will have it... soon. in nine months.

some of you will say - 'nice fairy-tale'. some will say - 'that's just corny'. 

well, those are the ones who never felt the seventh wish in their heart. 

a wish not for yourself. but for that something that you can very rarely see in the eyes of the dearest person just before the end of the 'seventh year' no matter how long this year was.

a wish that will make you know what you are and what you want to be.

and this, my friends, is not corny. that is just classy.

 

second thoughts

...and then the fun started.

for some reason all the fairy-tales always end with the happy couple getting together and married and living happily ever after.
i really don't understand why.
i mean, were they ever going to talk about what happened on the way back from the wedding?! what was the wedding night like?! (of course, that's not a kid's discussion, but still...) and last but not least - how the hell did the happy couple manage to be 'happily ever after' this all the long-long-ever-after time?!


so, i decided there was finally time someone would tell you the truth. 
ok...
so let's start where it REALLY is starting...


the Prince and the Princess finally got married. the wedding was outrageously beautiful - with flowers everywhere, with perfect music, perfect food and, of course, perfect weather. everyone was incredibly touched during the ceremony and had enormous fun afterwards, dancing. all in all, everything was perfect. or, at least, so it seemed from the outside...
no one knew though, that the Prince's parents made the Princess' life before the wedding to hell. why oh why, you wonder? 
well, this story is as old as the world is, so I am asking you - did you ever see that the husband's parents REALLY approve of the wife?! especially, if that's the youngest and the most wished son. especially if he is a true Prince to his bones, always listening what the parents say and following their advices all his life... and then, some cute Princess comes along and steals him from them and the young couple is doing everything possible the parents would never approve of?!
so, the Prince's parents thought they should take some steps immediately! 
first, they hired a wizard. well, of course, no one knew he was one. 'do whatever you must do, just don't let them marry!', they commanded. surely, they did not want to harm anyone. but, well, sometimes the harm done to the soul - although not seen from the outside - is the worst way to damage someone.
and the wizard did his job. the Princess and the Prince were fighting and sorrow covered the wedding preparations...
in the end the wedding still happened, because it was a royal couple - and royal weddings do not get cancelled just like that! and, in the end, it was all perfect on that day. even the Prince's parents seemed joyful and danced the royal waltz. but... the sad seed was planted in the Princess' soul, and it would grow and slowly spoil it.


a year after, the couple still was not happy. our Princess was quite independent and wished to pursue a career of an alchemist, since she was always interested why and how all things become what they are. she did not want to sit at home and be a housewife and just always look nice for the guests! 
the trouble was, this was just what the Prince thought, a royal family must be... and he always expected her to be thankful for ALL THAT HE DID for her to win her heart and her hand. 
with all these things, no wonder there was always tension and sorrow in the castle!
and then, one fine day, the Princess decided to leave. she went to the Prince and said 'you know, I do not want to be a Princess anymore... this life is not made for me! you can do whatever you want to please your parents - but I am not who they want me to be. I am a different person, and you don't even know me!' and then she left, god knows where...
the Prince was shocked. 
what should he do now? all his life was there - as he thought - to find a beautiful Princess, win her heart, get married and... well, live happily ever after. and now all went wrong! why?!
he started thinking. he discovered, he did not like to ride horses and fight dragons at all. as a matter of fact, he even found the dragons to be really fascinating animals! how did they produce this fire inside their body? how could they fly being so huge? he started to read tractates about them and soon was totally swallowed by this new interest...
seeing that, his parents became very worried. surely, they were happy when the Princess left the castle - finally, they thought, the Prince would see that she was not worth it and realize they were always right about her! but, instead, such a shame, he was becoming a veterinary! what to do?! they went to the wizard again and begged him to do something. but, you see, the wizard already grew old and happy, and did not want to do very much harm anymore. so, he went to the Prince and just told him that his parents are dissatisfied with him, and he also told him why...
wow, thought the Prince. and these are my parents! noway, he thought then. noway I am going to listen to that anymore! he tried to speak to his parents and explain them how clever dragons are and that he does not blame the Princess and...
but the parents did not listen. and then he said 'well then! I do not want to be a Prince anymore! this life is not made for me! you can do whatever you want - but I am not who you want me to be. I am a different person, and you don't even know me!' 
and then he realized that these were the exact same words that his Princess told him while leaving...
and he realized, that he REALLY did not know who she was. the same as she did not know who he was. and, actually, he decided, it would be quite interesting to find it out!
he left the castle and travelled long long days and weeks and months.
and they he found her in a nicely decorated cave where she was performing her alchemist experiments...
and at first she did not even recognize him, he changed so much...
and they talked long long days and weeks and months.
and it was all so new and different and interesting.
and then she turned his wooden shoes into gold.
and then he showed her his pet dragon flying in the night sky and they kissed, standing on a hill.
and then they went to the old and happy wizard and asked him to get them married FOR REAL this time.
and then, well, sorry but... they really lived long and happily, ever after...


so now. as girls, we always wish to be princesses and marry a prince on a white horse.
but I don't want to be a princess anymore.
I just want to be The Princess for someone. someone, who does not want to be a prince. but The Prince, for me. even with a pet dragon...

once upon a time

...once a upon a time, there lived a Princess in a lovely castle that was set on a lovely green hill surrounded by lakes and forests and stuff...
the Princess was pretty and cheerful and could have as many ice-cream as she wanted but never grow fat... 
and she had kind and loving parents, who ruled their kingdom peacefully but rightfully, even without extra taxes, which was why they never really got rich, but then they just made it up for their daughter that money isn't what really makes you happy...
and she had a siamese kitten, who was her one true friend and, additionally (to keep the prestige of the royal family), a pet chinchilla with long ears, the really fashionable one...
she had a walk-in wardrobe full of mirrors, a whole huge room just for the shoes and a crew of make-up artists, stylists, hairdressers, personal trainers and catwalk professionals guarding her every step to ensure she always looks super-glammy-over-the-top-fabulously fashy and has shiny hair and a BMI under 21...


all in all, one can say - the Princess was a great catch for everyone, especially for knights on white horses cause the current color of her hair - diamond-chestnut with sunburn and brown-eggshell streaks - would have matched perfectly with the horse's shiny white and the knight's armor...


well, so here the Prince came.
he rescued our Princess from a dragon, whom she accidentally run into on her way back from a girlfriend's slumber party, found her missing shoe (that obviously still fitted), fought the kingdom's competitive army to cheer up the Princess' parents, found the missing treasure on the other side of the world, including a huge solitaire as a wedding gift, proved his true love for the Princess by first domesticating all the dragons in the neighborhood, then removing all the potential witches to far-far-away, then sustaining the flirting charms of other pretty looking princesses to-be, aka Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty etc etc, subsequently, he completed the check-in procedure for the upcoming princes, including some general tests on higher maths, theoretical nuclear physics and a waltz performance and then (totally exhausted!) calmly waited for the Princess to accept his marriage offer and finally have a nice long bubble bath...


well, what else could she do, right?!.. after all, the Prince was handsome, did sooo many nice and useful things for her (well, not especially for her, but... whatever...) and, let's face it - she was a Princess and the white-horsed knight was her fate anyway! 


and so she said 'yes', ordered a Parisian wedding gown and the entire Victoria's secret bridal lingerie collection, they had a huge wedding that costed the king and queen a fortune, went for Honeymoon on the beach, came back tanned, moved into a brand new castle with a roof-top terrace overlooking the kingdom and were very eager to start a life according to 'happily-ever-after'.
well, what else could they do, right?!


and then the fun started.


to be continued...

real reasons

when something happens to us, we generally notice the bad things more don't we?
outside my window the spring is happening, while I'll be staying home the second week around, sick. 
I missed the time when the flower buds are just coming out of the soft, fat earth. I missed the trees getting the green haze made of emerging leaves around the 
branches. I am missing them blooming and throwing the flower petals down the street, where they are carried away by the warm new wind.
am I sad?
I was angry, yes. especially when someone said to me 'well, everything happens for a reason - if you had to be sick so heavily, there was some reason in that, maybe your body was just asking for a rest'. 
I hate sentences like that. what sense could there be in being incapable of anything, while the time is hot in the lab, the experiments just going to boost? while everyone is reporting on BBQs, cycling, hiking, whatever...


and yet, looking at the picture that, after two years, I finally finished drawing in the time I was recovering, I am starting to think about the reasons.


why do bad things happen to us? I guess, this question is as old as the world, especially since mankind started to believe in a good god.
why do we fall for bad people?
what good or at least sensible can come out of being deceived by your best friend?
what sense does it make when your great love suddenly dies?
do you ever get these events in your life evened up with the good stuff?


I guess, I cannot answer that until I've lived until the end.
I just hope, that at least this is true: everything is a part of a grand plot. and our being is a part of it, as well. 
as the world is not happening around us, but inside of us.
and I hope to experience that sometime - like a drop of water, falling into the sea, realizes that it has always just been a part of it.