of princesses and dragons.

purple flowers surrounded the Princess' face, nodding in agreement when the wind touched upon their petals. she picked them up somewhere in the foreign fields. 
while they passed over unfamiliar kingdoms and empty lands, the Princess grew sadder and the Dragon grew tired. they were flying through the forest, and branches swooshed on his toughened skin, throwing warm and humid air into the Princess' face. 
it was time to rest.
without knowing how much time has passed, the Princess followed the Dragon everywhere... she did not remember anymore how it started and why he took her on his back. she did not know how they started flying. bit by bit, she was forgetting who she was, her home and her family. yet, the Dragon did not remind her...

day after day, month after month she spent on his back, passing through foreign worlds, taking everything in. but from all these impressions, people and creatures she met on the way, experiences she made, nothing remained in her soul, or so she thought. something was changing. slowly, unnoticeably... the emptiness she left her home with, was gradually replaced by bitterness and cold. her supple skin became thicker and words could not get through it so easily anymore. her hair grew long and tangled. her eyes grew wild. and something else - their colour was changing. no longer they were amber-brown anymore, but gained a dark but shiny shade. the shade of gold.
and we all know what it means... well, she did not, not yet.

when they rested in the middle of the thick forest, the Princess could not sleep. she stood up and walked towards the opening in the trees. she looked up into the stars. and then something happened - her spine suddenly grew stronger, so that she no longer felt her legs. her arms grew wider and wider reaching up into the night air, her head grew dizzy and the forest was spinning around her body as she was standing in the middle of this tornado... in front of her, the Dragon appeared. as usual, he did not speak, but his golden eyes were fixed on her face. staring into this golden sea, she saw her whole life once again, until the moment the Dragon's heart was born and started beating through her tears. she saw them flying through thick smoke above the empty lands and unknown kingdoms. and then she felt an urge, so strong and violent, she could not bear it any longer! the urge to fly!
- i want to fly! - she cried. 
- there is more to flying than freedom... - the Dragon's words were heavy and sad.
- show me!
his eyes stared more fiercely. the golden smoke lifted. and she saw hundreds, thousands of them under the sun, with glistening strong lithe bodies, their eyes glowing with wisdom and serenity - the Dragons. but something startled the Princess... yes. none of them was flying.
- why?!
- look closer.
in the middle of them was the most beautiful creature of all - her Dragon. he gleamed with happiness and sang his songs and told his thoughts that came right from his soul. he dived deep and opened up his heart. and that's when it happened. 
the others did not care about this depth. their words were serene because they were indifferent. their eyes were glowing because they were sleepy. their hearts were stones and there was nothing to open up. 
shattered and desperate, disappointed and lonely, the Dragon creeped from them... long-long time he fled, until he found an empty space. there he spent five hundred years of solitude. until the Princess found him. and both his grave sadness and her fiery tears have lifted his heart. so he could fly...
- you know that I am not supposed to believe you, - said the Princess.
- and I am not supposed to feel sorry for you, - he answered.
that was how, in the middle of the forest, when the anger from the Princess' past thrusted through her heart and filled her entire body with gravity, her Dragon's sharp claws drilled through her skin and reached deeper than she knew herself. 
that was why her stone-heavy heart was now lying in his paw... and the Dragon remembered himself, oh how she reminded him of his younger days! 
that was when his golden tears ran streaming into her heart, burning it to smoke.
and that was where she finally lost the last feeling of her body and the earth beneath her, dashing into the violet skies, forgetting the present and embracing the future.

the Princess flew towards her home, carrying a golden heart inside, while she finally understood what she has become.
a Dragon.

the tale of the real dragon heart.

                                                 

So the Princess screwed up. She knew it.

There was nothing more she could do - she already did and revealed too much. So she ran through the forest, leaves swooshing behind her feet. She ran through the fields, wet grass stroking her knees. She ran furiously and accelerating, escaping her thoughts.

Finally, she arrived at the end of the kingdom, where the cold stream marked the border to the foreign land. She stood at the river bed and looked into the dark water. It was cold November and little snow flakes were falling from the sky, soft and shy, melting like silent tears on the cheeks when they met the earth. The misty air was full of these tears and they filtered through the skin and reached the Princess' silent heart. But she was not able to cry.

The Princess was probably no longer even a Princess anymore. Her sorrows and irritations drained her mood over the past few months, they drew on her temper and forced her to build up a hard shell around herself, so that nobody could touch and break the soul that was inside. Day by day she was facing anger, hatred and ignorance, feeling it with every fibre and every muscle when she moved. Feeling it with the bones of her spine when she turned away. And worse of it all - she did not understand what she has done wrong... 

It all started almost out of blue. She lost a friend and with that, she lost many others. Those who, for a long time, have been her place to go to, turned away. Others did not arrive. And apart from being alone, she was falling into complete emptiness - fast and unavoidable.Her always shiny smile turned into a bitter grin. Her sparkling eyes lost their glow. Her hands were cold. She tried to keep her mood together. But when the stones that hit her did not seize but became heavier and heavier - she lost it. She snapped and she cried. She found no halt anywhere she ran. She was a person she no longer recognised - grim and bitter, desperate for any kind of affirmation. She was afraid of going home because even her beloved Prince and the little son were not safe from her temper. 

How could she ever serve an example for her little child? What would he see in her that he would want to become and follow? That is why the fields and the leaves were greeting her.


She was not allowed on the other side of the stream - for there were foreign grounds and no longer she knew what lay outside of the kingdom. But the stones in her soul weighed her down so much that she knelt towards the water, fell down and let the stream carry her. 

She reached the other side and her feet touched the foreign soil. She started walking.The trees thinned, the ground plateaued and the Princess found herself in the middle of nowhere. The snow fell heavier and soon everything went white - the field, the grass and herself. It was day but the light was weary and ghostly. Only two little sparks were shining far away and she set on towards them. Once they grew bigger, she recognised a shape around. 

It was a big creature lying in the middle of snowy landscape, massive in itself, wings spread wide, legs crossed underneath, head on the paws, sparkling gold eyes wide open, looking inside her soul. 

It was a Dragon.

She stood in front of him, not afraid, only empty. 

After a long silence, she said:

- You must know, dragons do not exist.

- I am aware of that fact, yes, - said the Dragon.

- I came here because I knew nowhere else to go.

- I know that, too.

Then he rose one paw and she saw the sharp claws spreading. But she was still not afraid. She stood still and looked him in the eye. 

She saw there, in the deep golden sea the baby Princess being born, her parents happy around the small girl, she saw her lying on her back in the summer flowers, looking to the sky. She saw her growing up and chasing the unknown, leaving her home, finding friends and enemies, learning other languages and perfecting her skills. She saw her meeting the Prince, living their live together. She saw her son being born and his sky-blue eyes looking at her the first time. She saw her happiness and her fears, she heard the funny jokes and the sad songs of her life. 

And that is when she felt her face wet under all the tears that drained silently from her eyes full of memories. So the Dragon's claws turned away from her and reached into his chest. The Princess gasped as she saw the sharp claws drilling through the Dragon's bony scales, inside the centuries-thick skin, golden blood streaming out between his joints. And then he drew something in his paw and opened it in front of her face. It was his golden heart, heavy and dead as a stone, but glowing with fierce heat like a stove.

And the Princess' tears fell onto the Dragon's naked heart like water meeting fire, and steam rose into the snowy air as the stone began to soften. It lit from within and started beating, the smoke got thicker and swirled around the golden heart. It surrounded both the Princess and the Dragon and nothing else could be seen in the snowy fields.

But this is not the end of the fairytale. 

Because as the smoke cleared, two shapes could be seen in the twilight. It was the Princess riding on the Dragon. She was flying free as she left behind the warmly lit window of her cosy home. 

She will miss it. 

And she will come back. 

But for now, she was flying towards the unknown empty space that was scaring her before and that now felt so inviting, however unknown it might be. This world carried new happiness, new songs to sing and a new friend to arrive - and the Princess was safe on her Dragon. His golden heart was now beating alive in his chest, carrying both the wisdom of the old and the tears of the young, just how it should be for a Dragon heart to come alive. 

And as the Princess was moving forward, she knew that her little son was watching out of their warmly lit house window, looking into the sky, where two shapes were flying towards the horizon. 

And she knew that on his own time, with his own dragon - he will follow.

the science of being naked

blue soapy water swirls around my naked ankles and i get goosebumps all the way up my legs. 
we all have these days. days of hot baths, of many glasses of wine, of chocolate ice-cream, of cigarettes. or all of these together.
and then we usually get asked: 'well, what happened?' 
everyone knows that bad things hurt. well actually, good things hurt just the same. 

so many good and encouraging things happened to me in the last few weeks... but here i am, in my bath. 
wtf? i ask myself.

my son recently asked me: 
- mama, what is a wonder? 
and i thought and i answered: 
- a wonder is something very big and great that we would never expect. 
it is all very wonder-full what happens to me. and exactly because of that, it settles on my skin like a weight of lead. and my shell cracks.
but you know how it is with seafood? it's delicious inside!
so it's time to shed my shell.

in my life, i had many of them. there is something about the scientist's life - it is our constant travelling. we move between places, we move between friends and we move ourselves. it is our cross to bear - the boredom we all feel when we stay at one place too long... 
we are nomads of the mind. first we get to new places, then we get to be another person. we all pretend at first. and when we pretend long enough, we change for real - the new shell is born. we shed the past. it is so addictive, and we get used to it so much that we can never keep still anymore. 
i, as well, changed many of them, many skins and carcasses. and i still kind of love them - not because they have always protected my naked self, but because they let me grow inside in peace.
but you know what? i had so many, i fear i don't even know what's inside anymore.
and now, with skies and rainbows and new things crushing above, i realise there is time to get rid of everything.

you know how it is with leather? it gets rained and snowed on until it gets tough. but by that it also gets softer.
when you reveal yourself to someone, you might get anything. rain or sunshine, smile or shitstorm. you never know. but that's how you get the tan!
and i've always tanned pretty fast..

so, i lie here in my bath and i see my naked skin and i feel my naked heart. 
i know i will protect it with all my teeth and i know it will hurt. i am not bulletproof and i have a lot to lose. 
sure, if you don't dare, you don't suffer. but if you don't suffer, you don't change. and if you don't change - you don't live. 
it really is that simple.

i love my safe and beautiful shell. 
but right now, i would like nothing more than to get naked.

There is a cracking in my shell
with naked flesh inside.
I put my ego on the shelf,
I tossed my thoughts aside.

I tried so hard to love myself,
but it just doesn’t work.
I put my ego on the shelf,
I throw it into dirt.

For many years I’m fighting them -
my demons with their horns.
My thoughts are constant traffic jam,
but no concern of yours.

And in the middle of this mess,
when wine is not enough -
I see my unfamiliar face,
I see it from above.

I feel your words, sharp like a knife,
they cut and my heart drains.
I kiss my ego back to life,
I feel it in my veins.

I rub my eyes, I stretch my bones,
I look inside - and then
I see my demons with their horns.
And I am one of them.

the meaning of meanness

'keep it mean - keep them keen'. someone just recently said to me.

and although i hate to admit it, i actually think he is right.

why is it that we always want this one person to like us, that never will? why is it that we always want to be best at the thing that was never ours? i am a girl and i am not a bad looking one - and yet, i also remember these couple of times desperately wanting a guy that just wouldn't look my way. 

i could have everyone else. 

i could have the only one! (which i fortunately ended up with), and yet, here i was - wanting it. i would change everything - my look, my hair, my character, my behaviour, my habits, just to have him. try to be better, try to be good enough, being sure that i will finally get it. the thing i can never have. that is not made for me. why?

i feel that this is a part of my personality (or maybe, even just a girl's personality), to yearn for unreachable stuff. i don't mean a bag, or a shoe (alright, it might have been a shoe :)

being a scientist, at least for now, i am asking myself if academic science is exactly like this - does it keep us interested only because it is being a bitch? 

and so we try and try and try. all over again. we do not give up. we never quit. we never look the other way - only because there is a glimpse of a hope that journals, grants and fellowships once upon a time will finally look our way.

and walking upon these sticks and stones, we keep hearing this: you are a scientist, that means you are a fighter! i know you can do it! i know you are strong enough!

oh, how I hate these sentences. how much do i want to just be. not 'strong' or 'a fighter'. not even a weak little girl. how about the right to just be myself? sometimes strong, sometimes weak - sometimes refusing to give up, and sometimes not even being able to stand up from the ground.

i have also recently discovered a courage to give it up. it takes a lot more that to continue doing the thing you are used to do. it takes a lot more to stay the way you truly are. without trying to lose weight and to keep your long hair, just because the guy you want might like it this way. who the hell cares? he doesn't. 

and science doesn't, too. for sure.

i have met a person who just quit academia. and i have met many afterwards who also did. they did not die of shame and no one called them losers. quite the opposite, most of the people are jealous of their 'life after'. they will just never admit it, because they secretly hope to get their share faster because the air is getting thinner, the higher you go.

after all - you would be really glad if a girl this guy fancies, finally went away or got married, right? so now, it's only you and him, and you got a chance. 

so you think. 

but actually, you know what is the only thing that happens? he will find another girl he fancies. and it will not be you. again. 

this is not about how you look and not about how you can look. this is about what you are and what he is. different lives, different paths, different interests, different sexual preferences, different face and different chemistry. 

and so, shattered, you finally understand - you will not win this one. even if you always won before. no matter, how well you fight (and believe me, i know how to fight).

it's just that, sometimes, he is not that into you. 

and it's just that, sometimes, the thing that you have been doing your entire life, might not be yours to do. as simple as that.

after all, if you are having a hard time doing something, maybe, only maybe - you are just not good at it! as simple as that. and no shame in it at all. it only means that your abilities are better and best elsewhere. 
there are so many ways to fight. there are so many ways to do science. and i am not forgetting the overall unfairness of nowadays science that plays a fair share in demotivation of young scientists, but this is not a motivation speech!.. i am asking you and myself - don't you want to find out what you are really amazing at? go on and take the big leap! jump. run. play. look left instead of right.

our endless scientific education is fantastic for teaching us to cope with frustrations. it is tremendously helpful in showing us how to stay focused and ‘think with your gut’ (alias scientific intuition). 
but it does this one thing to us: after all these years staying concentrated on the sun, we forget the sky around it. not to mention the clouds. 

see, it so happens that when you drop something and move your gaze from the tunnel in front of you - you can finally look down and see the right path that has been underneath you all the time. 

you might continue into the tunnel, if this is the right thing for you. fair enough. but you will also have the choice to stop and turn around. maybe it will be the right path, maybe not - who knows? stay or not stay, this is for everyone alone to decide.

but this is the thing. when you finally give up on this guy and leave the party, he suddenly looks your way. and offers you a cup of coffee. for free.

because, you see, 'keep it mean - keep them keen' works both ways. 

the power is all yours.

inside the insight

nothing is sexier than storytelling. 

his hands tremble a bit when he enters the hallway to pick me up. it is eleven in the evening, too late for any bus or train, which means he walked all the way through half of a city to be here now. 
which means he started walking after he waited six to seven seconds after he hung up the phone after i called him that i am in town today. a single flower - white carnation with some quite confusing glitter sprinkled on it. they sell them in those little cigarette kiosks along the road. he had no time to loose.
his eyes go down on me - and back to my eyes again. there they'll stay. we always go for a walk, that's all we do. we talk without saying things. and when there is no other way to bear it, our hands slightly touch. electricity rushes from fingers to the heart. electricity is not good for the pulse. so it stops for a while. and raves off again when his fingers wrap around my hand - heartbeat raised only by a million of times. 
it is almost corny and it almost hurts. but it hurts more than it is corny...
i float on the waves and listen to his stories. he narrates all the books he read in my absence, and i see his hands on the pages that smell of old paper, of typographic ink, of heavy leather covers. his words drop into my skin and produce little spots of sweat that run down my neckline. it's just little words - but they are phantasies in our heads and we begin to share a world. 
this world we created, existed for five years. 
then he died.
i still live in it. since nine years this month.

it all happens in your head - that's what they say. the whole life around you might just be a phantasy inside your mind, a picture imprinted by the circumstances coming your way, a reflection of people you meet. quite an old thought, really... does it mean that there is indeed something true to it? 
do you know how sometimes you are only left with the phantasy instead of the real person, and then - how difficult is it to get away and find your way back?
"fear not to dream", the american way of life. the thoughts you have, will keep you pushing forward...
well, you know, they also do tend to give you headaches. 
confusions. 
hesitations. 
tears.
let it go, and you will fly - that's what they say. after all, this is the purpose of meditation. saves your life.
i am sitting at the lake of the fine city of Madison. fireflies on the grass, fireworks in the sky. and there is that seagull, flying free in the american jeans blue, white wings in the wind. well, i reckon, the seagull can fly because it has no thoughts. do i want to be happy and a seagull?

meditate and let go off the thoughts... just let them pass, notice but not linger. did you try? it is near to impossible.
and yet sometimes, it is so much easier to let it go! not think of it. chicken out, bury your head into that nice fluffy warm sand. so here you go, no?
well, turns out that if you have that perfect phantasy, that truly beautiful story in your head - do you let it go? or do you dare to give in to it and hope that, like a wave, it will pass? sounds tough. and i always liked challenges.

an easy life? sure. it is all about keeping covers. oh don't get me wrong, i love appearances! nice things. long legs. bedroom eyes. what's inside? who does care? 

turns out, nerds do. i am a scientist not because i love it. but because i really hate not knowing what's inside. so i ask questions - and they say, there are no stupid ones.
well, maybe only uncomfortable…

but complications make a good story. 
and this is truly sexy.

coin-cidence

it flashes bright brown gold when it shimmers towards the sun, then it turns around and shows its earthy dark side - once it falls into the fountain, it will reflect the air and the waves and current around it and become indigo blue, then steely grey. it reflects the flower petals falling from the blushing apple trees at the road as they are seized by the wind and fly above the church towers and the colleges.
i flip the next 10 pence coin in my hand and throw it into the water.

and just as it is, i look up and see the same reflections and flashes in the eyes dashing in a hurry towards me, then past, then they are gone - bright brown, shimmering grey, dark blue, steely green… 
eyes of busy people running to work, some of them being dreamy or thoughtful, some of them already angry, some of them enjoying themselves and checking their reflection in the shop windows. 
this is my way to the university, i have music in my ears - but my eyes wander around, just as the ones are that come across my path. some linger on my face for a while, others dash away.
i wonder which side of a coin they see in my eyes. 
les passants. 
passers-by. this word is hardly used in the English language - it is highly used in French, though. is it because of the parisian cafes that have become a cliché many decades ago? places to sit and look into other peoples' eyes, into the street, into nothing, into yourself. you can hardly find such places here. 
but you can find such people. 
people who look straight into my eyes and see my soul without even realising. people with blue eyes. or brown. or grey.

i wonder which side of my personality i ever show in my eyes. this is the beauty of coming to someplace new - you get to be someone else all over again. you can re-invent your life by leaving out some details and emphasising the others. you can determine your wishes anew. you can even change your way of talking. 
it is as if you have a first date or make a new friend. you try to be someone you always wanted to be, and the other person does the same. eventually, you get closer and you realise some things that were hidden, but that actually account for the individual personality and make out the nuances and shades of a character. little flaws, hated by yourself, but liked (or at least unperceived) by the other person. however, you are already friends, so no point in hiding. you are being taken in as you are. 
in a fortunate case.

but being someplace new really does open up your mind - also to yourself. 
and as i see my coin flipping, i wonder which side of me it is going to be. maybe, instead of inventing someone new, someone better, someone i thought i wanted to be - now i just GET TO BE ME. 
it is impressive and gets more difficult the older we get, to be someone and somewhere you actually want to be. sometimes you just have to dare to do it.

i look into the blue eyes. the brown. and the grey. and as i drown my reflection in the fountain my eyes shimmer. 
they shimmer with a new light.

passion progressive.

so you are there, alone with your phantasy. you finally made it - be it your wistful place, your dream result, a person you've been obsessed with. you are there. this is where the fairy tales usually end - the happily ever after.
well, i've always been interested what happens to the Phantasy after.

don't you remember and absolutely LOVE this butterfly feeling of falling in love? the brief intensive looks, the giggly stomach, the electricity of every so brief touch… isn't that just the Unknown that calls and excites us? every relationship begins this way, every friendship, every secret love. only very rarely it persists. usually it disappears, leaving only a faint scent of the exquisite memory of the butterflies. and because of that memory relationships still last, because of this secret affairs begin - in a hope and a longing to bring back the thrill after every certain stolen look…
whether it was true or not, real feeling or just a phantasy.
but i sometimes ask myself, what is more real?

i remember those days and a little girl, the only child, a reading individualist, strolling through the empty streets of a sleepy summer village and imagining things. this girl had a whole world happening in her head, there lived no princes but dragons, there were strawberry castles with balconies made of candied honey, there were robber's daughters and wizards and doors to other strange worlds that opened right there at the end of those sleepy summer streets. 
and i was living there, i spent my childhood in these worlds - every strange voice and sound meant they were real. 
every weird strangers i met there gave me meaningful looks that i still remember. all dialogues are still in my memory. unlike some of those i had with real people. so where is the border to the Phantasy?

it is a dreamer's happiness and his curse. and yes, call me a nerd but i can live in my phantasy and that is why it is real for me. 
i once knew a person who told me something i first hated because he turned out to be an asshole. he said science is a great playground for him. and i realised it is true in some way. they always say we scientists need to stay childish in order to be able to ask Questions. all kinds of questions!
but it's not only that. we need to be able to play, to have an idea, a passion and a phantasy we can escape into - and then it can become real. it might not, and it is mostly a failure. but sometimes… sometimes you sit at the microscope and see it right there, staring you in your face - your idea. 
it is real. 
and your stomach giggles. 
just as it does when this person looks at you in a certain way. 
your faces get nearer. 
you kiss.
end of story. butterflies go away. but the memory stays. so the trouble of staying in science is to remember those moments that get you drunk and high with being right and having seen it with your own eyes. those moments are rare, they might be only a couple in a lifetime. 


but, after all, how many real good kisses do you remember?

fiercely filtered.

when you change your life, you feel younger. 

now, do you?

they were taking my picture for my University of Cambridge card and when i looked at it, the only thing i thought was:

- jesus, i look like a freshman!

and i really did. cute, but scared. unconfident, but naively open and expectant. what is there to expect?

loss of old habits? sure. quitting smoking since two weeks now (though i dare say that John Green's "looking for alaska" gives not much help there).

gain of new challenges? well, i'm loaded. bring it on. disappointed face. memories of school mocking and phd disasters coming right up.

youth associates with them like milk with coffee. or gin and tonic, for that matter.

so what about, let's say, feeling younger but armed? getting rid of old youth fears? cause, you know, you got wiser and stuff. you have failure experience. you start to recognise The Pattern - after sun come the clouds, after happiness comes depression. and after tears comes a smile. always. aren't these the goodies in your bag that gets heavier every year of your life?

well, turns out that changes really do make you younger. without the goodies. i feel a long-forgotten euphoria of a fresh start, a thrill of a new place and unknown streets and names and faces, that will colour my future brilliant. or disastrous. roller coaster without a life safety net, every day.

except that i am now in possession of A Filter. i'll explain.

see, i am not smoking but i take three double espressos every morning. 

i am nice and friendly in my new lab and my cheeks hurt form smiling but i ignore the signs of missing empathy if i am not asked along. 

i come to social events but i do not panic if i am having lunch by myself.

i work when i can but i do not feel guilty if i can't keep up to the schedule and have to go pick up my kid.

i smile when i managed but i still cry like a two-year old when i did not.

i filter.

our fears do not really go anywhere. they are still there, good old friends - there is the one about being an albino among the normal black crows, there is the one of saying no, there is the fear of losing it, of not being smart enough, tough enough, funny enough, cute enough. i could go on. it is just that our age evolves new habits to cope, be it the caffeine or triple chocolate brownie, it is all the same. we quit the smoking but keep the alcohol. we stay partly scared. 

we feel above the threshold of our evolved humiliation, through the sieve that is our age. it passes on some habits and some fears but leaves behind the debris we are done with, and it gets thicker every day until we are no more scared - or we are no more.

so, bring it on, i say. new life. same old, but this time - above the threshold of my fearless self.

nine to wait

seven years, they say. 

seven years is all it takes for everyone: to figure out what you are, to know who you want to be and to quit the bad habits.

well...

seven years passed by the Prince & Princesses lovely home cave. 

the pet dragon got one dragon year older. which in fact is seven human years.

seven winters and seven summers passed by and left seven wrinkles on Prince & Princesses faces.

seven sorrows met their souls and seven happinesses touched their hearts.

seven big wishes each of them carried through these seven years.

but only six of them were fulfilled. and the Princess and the Prince both had The Only One and Dearest Wish sitting still in their hearts and not daring to come out.

and that was what made the seven great years seem so short and almost over... 

one evening, the Princess and the Prince were sitting on the porch in front of their cave. both of them were mortified - it was their anniversary the next day and nobody had a gift. both wanted to get 'something special' (oh, how i hate this phrase!), something that each of them knew was carried in the other one's heart. that dearest wish, that would make the seven years 'for better and for worse' - just perfect. the big wish, that... nobody of them knew what it was. damn.

so they both were sitting there and trying to make a clever conversation and ask the right questions and... there there! - lure the other one's wish out! 

how do you think, did it work? well, exactly as something never works out when we try to force it. each of them got the answer. to the wrong question. they went to bed, both happy that they'll have a perfect present tomorrow - not knowing how far far away they were from the truth...

the next day, Prince woke the Princess up with "i have a surprise for you!" (he was sooo glad he cleverly thought about it just the night before!) 

"i have a surprise for you too!" said the Princess self-satisfactory (oh, thank god, she thought about it just the night before!)

he gave her a super-expensive haute-couture-designer-mortar with diamonds on top (for her alchemist experiments) that just arrived by the royal princozon delivery service.

she gave him a hyper-comfortable customized lasso (for his dragons) with a golden monogram embroidery.

they both played happy.

they both thought their work was the dearest dearest wish they had left unfulfilled.

seven years were almost over.

meanwhile, the old wizard was watching this scenery through his magic crystal with a heavy heart and tears in his eyes and railed and swore curses. 

- and this is all what they understood from the last almost seven years! - he moaned. 

- and this is all what it was worth to fight for! - he whined. 

- and this is all why i gave up being a bad man and turned into an old darling wizard! - he exclaimed!.

no, that is enough, he thought. (you see, he was an old man - and old people tend to see the world left in a perfect happy shape when they leave it. that is why they always poke their noses into all businesses - just to 'quickly change everything that has gone wrong since the good old times'). and so he did his magic.

meanwhile, the Prince & Princesses cave was full of people who came to congratulate them on the anniversary. there was the Blue Dragon, their oldest friend, the Dashing Donkey, the Smiley Smurfette, the Gloomy Giant, the Honey Hedgehog and many others from many different stories (but these are to be told in another time...). the party was great and going, but our couple felt worse and worse. 

- the seven years, - they thought. - i don't feel good about it. it's almost over and we still do not know what we REALLY want!

dark clouds were about to gather above their heads again...

and then the old wizard's magic reached the cave.

the Prince looked at the Princess and said: 

- you know, don't you think this lasso you gave me is extremely ugly, actually?

- well, the mortar is disgusting and not particularly pretty either... - followed the Princess.

- i am sorry i never told you what i always wanted to get you. 

- i also kept my wish to myself, - said the Princess ashamed. - i thought great alchemists should not have such simple wishes.

- and i thought the dragon keepers should be too 'macho' to ask their Princesses about it.

the seventh year was just about to pass away forever. and so their seventh wish left their hearts and took its place in their eyes. for everyone to see.

- thank you, i already have your perfect present. - told the Princess, trying to hide her tears in order to not being remembered as a pathetic crybaby.

- ...? - the Prince said. (you see, any men actually always need a bit longer to see anything in any princesses eyes... no offends.)

- and i got 'something special' for you, too, you know. - she went on.

- but where is it, for god's sake?! - the Prince politely and patiently enquired. 

- oh you know. - she hesitated. (be kind with her, it was her big moment!) - you know, you will have it... soon. in nine months.

some of you will say - 'nice fairy-tale'. some will say - 'that's just corny'. 

well, those are the ones who never felt the seventh wish in their heart. 

a wish not for yourself. but for that something that you can very rarely see in the eyes of the dearest person just before the end of the 'seventh year' no matter how long this year was.

a wish that will make you know what you are and what you want to be.

and this, my friends, is not corny. that is just classy.

 

second thoughts

...and then the fun started.

for some reason all the fairy-tales always end with the happy couple getting together and married and living happily ever after.
i really don't understand why.
i mean, were they ever going to talk about what happened on the way back from the wedding?! what was the wedding night like?! (of course, that's not a kid's discussion, but still...) and last but not least - how the hell did the happy couple manage to be 'happily ever after' this all the long-long-ever-after time?!


so, i decided there was finally time someone would tell you the truth. 
ok...
so let's start where it REALLY is starting...


the Prince and the Princess finally got married. the wedding was outrageously beautiful - with flowers everywhere, with perfect music, perfect food and, of course, perfect weather. everyone was incredibly touched during the ceremony and had enormous fun afterwards, dancing. all in all, everything was perfect. or, at least, so it seemed from the outside...
no one knew though, that the Prince's parents made the Princess' life before the wedding to hell. why oh why, you wonder? 
well, this story is as old as the world is, so I am asking you - did you ever see that the husband's parents REALLY approve of the wife?! especially, if that's the youngest and the most wished son. especially if he is a true Prince to his bones, always listening what the parents say and following their advices all his life... and then, some cute Princess comes along and steals him from them and the young couple is doing everything possible the parents would never approve of?!
so, the Prince's parents thought they should take some steps immediately! 
first, they hired a wizard. well, of course, no one knew he was one. 'do whatever you must do, just don't let them marry!', they commanded. surely, they did not want to harm anyone. but, well, sometimes the harm done to the soul - although not seen from the outside - is the worst way to damage someone.
and the wizard did his job. the Princess and the Prince were fighting and sorrow covered the wedding preparations...
in the end the wedding still happened, because it was a royal couple - and royal weddings do not get cancelled just like that! and, in the end, it was all perfect on that day. even the Prince's parents seemed joyful and danced the royal waltz. but... the sad seed was planted in the Princess' soul, and it would grow and slowly spoil it.


a year after, the couple still was not happy. our Princess was quite independent and wished to pursue a career of an alchemist, since she was always interested why and how all things become what they are. she did not want to sit at home and be a housewife and just always look nice for the guests! 
the trouble was, this was just what the Prince thought, a royal family must be... and he always expected her to be thankful for ALL THAT HE DID for her to win her heart and her hand. 
with all these things, no wonder there was always tension and sorrow in the castle!
and then, one fine day, the Princess decided to leave. she went to the Prince and said 'you know, I do not want to be a Princess anymore... this life is not made for me! you can do whatever you want to please your parents - but I am not who they want me to be. I am a different person, and you don't even know me!' and then she left, god knows where...
the Prince was shocked. 
what should he do now? all his life was there - as he thought - to find a beautiful Princess, win her heart, get married and... well, live happily ever after. and now all went wrong! why?!
he started thinking. he discovered, he did not like to ride horses and fight dragons at all. as a matter of fact, he even found the dragons to be really fascinating animals! how did they produce this fire inside their body? how could they fly being so huge? he started to read tractates about them and soon was totally swallowed by this new interest...
seeing that, his parents became very worried. surely, they were happy when the Princess left the castle - finally, they thought, the Prince would see that she was not worth it and realize they were always right about her! but, instead, such a shame, he was becoming a veterinary! what to do?! they went to the wizard again and begged him to do something. but, you see, the wizard already grew old and happy, and did not want to do very much harm anymore. so, he went to the Prince and just told him that his parents are dissatisfied with him, and he also told him why...
wow, thought the Prince. and these are my parents! noway, he thought then. noway I am going to listen to that anymore! he tried to speak to his parents and explain them how clever dragons are and that he does not blame the Princess and...
but the parents did not listen. and then he said 'well then! I do not want to be a Prince anymore! this life is not made for me! you can do whatever you want - but I am not who you want me to be. I am a different person, and you don't even know me!' 
and then he realized that these were the exact same words that his Princess told him while leaving...
and he realized, that he REALLY did not know who she was. the same as she did not know who he was. and, actually, he decided, it would be quite interesting to find it out!
he left the castle and travelled long long days and weeks and months.
and they he found her in a nicely decorated cave where she was performing her alchemist experiments...
and at first she did not even recognize him, he changed so much...
and they talked long long days and weeks and months.
and it was all so new and different and interesting.
and then she turned his wooden shoes into gold.
and then he showed her his pet dragon flying in the night sky and they kissed, standing on a hill.
and then they went to the old and happy wizard and asked him to get them married FOR REAL this time.
and then, well, sorry but... they really lived long and happily, ever after...


so now. as girls, we always wish to be princesses and marry a prince on a white horse.
but I don't want to be a princess anymore.
I just want to be The Princess for someone. someone, who does not want to be a prince. but The Prince, for me. even with a pet dragon...

once upon a time

...once a upon a time, there lived a Princess in a lovely castle that was set on a lovely green hill surrounded by lakes and forests and stuff...
the Princess was pretty and cheerful and could have as many ice-cream as she wanted but never grow fat... 
and she had kind and loving parents, who ruled their kingdom peacefully but rightfully, even without extra taxes, which was why they never really got rich, but then they just made it up for their daughter that money isn't what really makes you happy...
and she had a siamese kitten, who was her one true friend and, additionally (to keep the prestige of the royal family), a pet chinchilla with long ears, the really fashionable one...
she had a walk-in wardrobe full of mirrors, a whole huge room just for the shoes and a crew of make-up artists, stylists, hairdressers, personal trainers and catwalk professionals guarding her every step to ensure she always looks super-glammy-over-the-top-fabulously fashy and has shiny hair and a BMI under 21...


all in all, one can say - the Princess was a great catch for everyone, especially for knights on white horses cause the current color of her hair - diamond-chestnut with sunburn and brown-eggshell streaks - would have matched perfectly with the horse's shiny white and the knight's armor...


well, so here the Prince came.
he rescued our Princess from a dragon, whom she accidentally run into on her way back from a girlfriend's slumber party, found her missing shoe (that obviously still fitted), fought the kingdom's competitive army to cheer up the Princess' parents, found the missing treasure on the other side of the world, including a huge solitaire as a wedding gift, proved his true love for the Princess by first domesticating all the dragons in the neighborhood, then removing all the potential witches to far-far-away, then sustaining the flirting charms of other pretty looking princesses to-be, aka Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty etc etc, subsequently, he completed the check-in procedure for the upcoming princes, including some general tests on higher maths, theoretical nuclear physics and a waltz performance and then (totally exhausted!) calmly waited for the Princess to accept his marriage offer and finally have a nice long bubble bath...


well, what else could she do, right?!.. after all, the Prince was handsome, did sooo many nice and useful things for her (well, not especially for her, but... whatever...) and, let's face it - she was a Princess and the white-horsed knight was her fate anyway! 


and so she said 'yes', ordered a Parisian wedding gown and the entire Victoria's secret bridal lingerie collection, they had a huge wedding that costed the king and queen a fortune, went for Honeymoon on the beach, came back tanned, moved into a brand new castle with a roof-top terrace overlooking the kingdom and were very eager to start a life according to 'happily-ever-after'.
well, what else could they do, right?!


and then the fun started.


to be continued...

real reasons

when something happens to us, we generally notice the bad things more don't we?
outside my window the spring is happening, while I'll be staying home the second week around, sick. 
I missed the time when the flower buds are just coming out of the soft, fat earth. I missed the trees getting the green haze made of emerging leaves around the 
branches. I am missing them blooming and throwing the flower petals down the street, where they are carried away by the warm new wind.
am I sad?
I was angry, yes. especially when someone said to me 'well, everything happens for a reason - if you had to be sick so heavily, there was some reason in that, maybe your body was just asking for a rest'. 
I hate sentences like that. what sense could there be in being incapable of anything, while the time is hot in the lab, the experiments just going to boost? while everyone is reporting on BBQs, cycling, hiking, whatever...


and yet, looking at the picture that, after two years, I finally finished drawing in the time I was recovering, I am starting to think about the reasons.


why do bad things happen to us? I guess, this question is as old as the world, especially since mankind started to believe in a good god.
why do we fall for bad people?
what good or at least sensible can come out of being deceived by your best friend?
what sense does it make when your great love suddenly dies?
do you ever get these events in your life evened up with the good stuff?


I guess, I cannot answer that until I've lived until the end.
I just hope, that at least this is true: everything is a part of a grand plot. and our being is a part of it, as well. 
as the world is not happening around us, but inside of us.
and I hope to experience that sometime - like a drop of water, falling into the sea, realizes that it has always just been a part of it.

emphasis of emptiness

there is a precious rule in Japanese cuisine: one should always leave some space on the plate. one should never make a bowl completely full. the tea should only fill eighty percent of the little cup...
emptiness is a very important attribute and should always be present. why? - one considers that only the empty space can give harmony to a subject...


and is that not true?
'if there were no clouds - we couldn't enjoy the sky'. they give the necessary background to the beauty of the sunlight.
so, is not the piece of emptiness - on the plate, in the cup, in our heart - the necessary background for a feeling of richness, taste... love..?


i ask myself - could i ever feel that fully if i had never experienced emptiness? 
when we were children - did we ever realize we were infinitely happy at that time? why is it only later in life that we long for that feeling of cloudless happiness - is it because finally we experienced the clouds and can value the true meaning of the deep blue sky?


i am looking onto my life and see a lot of emptiness that made me sad, brought me sorrow and left a feeling of hollow loneliness. but then i think - maybe, instead, i should feel thankful for the space it left. 
because only then the diamonds of happy moments, of unforgettable times, of wonderful people in my life can have a velvet background to lie and shine on.


and my cup finally seems not almost empty, but almost full.
well, of course, just to the right level...

versant versatility

I am at the window. holding my little cat back - we are both enjoying the night air, it smells like spring, but she is enjoying it much more lively than me. for her, a housecat - this world just starts to exist, it is new, it has so many smells!


I wonder, how does she see it, our world? for sure, different from me. maybe, the same way as I see this world different from you - and you see it different from them... we live a reality which Einstein cursed to relativity - and it has not changed since then.
each word has thousands of meanings even in one language, what to say about views? decisions? thoughts?
how can you be sure that your opponent will understand you exactly as you meant it? it happens very very rare...
most of the discussions, fights, break-ups, wars are caused only by misunderstanding each other.
I am not an exception. and, perhaps, if I was wiser, better, less egoistic and less impulsive - I could have avoided so many disasters in my life... 
but I am not. I am just as you are - not better not worse, lost in each and every meaning, trying to understand what's real and what's false, trying to make understand my truth, which - in the end - might be only true for me...


well, I am looking at the roof out of the window - how the fat transparent icicles break down and slide and fall onto the street. like my past, that is breaking off - just be careful that it does not pinch you on the head!
I am not proud of many things... but today I finally found an icicle-proof umbrella for my past, an answer to the most common, most desperate and therefore most boring question 'what to do?'


who are we to judge? how can I judge anything - everything has a right to exist. just as me. the only catastrophes start when this right is being taken away from someone...


I am not proud of many things... but I found a way to make it up. not to my past but to myself.
because the endless versatility of this world makes me - good and bad, devotional and egoistic, timid and arrogant, serene and impatient, cruel and forgiving. and nothing has changed - and I haven't changed. it is just very hard to admit and stand up to both sides of you - not only the one you want to see. and then you can start changing. if you can see it now, you will not be afraid of being everything.


and it makes me feel happy.